Stages of Grief

The concept of the stages of grief is somewhat confusing at first glance. After doing an Internet search, I came to see that there are plenty of models of grief floating around out there. There's a five stage model and a seven stage model. There's a ten stage and a twelve stage model.

In reality, all these models of grief are abstract attempts to describe the feelings of human loss in a systematic way. There's no correct "way" to describe the grieving process. If you are grieving, I think it can be helpful to understand the grieving process as a way to help process your feelings.

The Kübler-Ross Model of Grief

One of the most famous models of grief is the Kübler-Ross model, also known as the five stages of grief or the grief cycle. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's model was actually developed from her work with terminally ill patients, and focused on the person who was dying. Later, the model was adapted to someone who was grieving the loss of a loved one. The phases of grief it describes are:

1. Denial - This is the stage where you first hear of someone's death. For example, your best friend Dean dies in a car accident the day after you decided to play tennis this weekend. You're in shock and feel numb, and you're saying to yourself "This can't be true."

2. Anger - You're angry that Dean had to die now. He was only 25. You're angry at the doctors for not being able to save him even though you know they did their best. Anger doesn't have to be logical, but you need to let yourself feel it in order to get through it. You may also feel guilt, which is anger turned inward. But the death wasn't your fault - you couldn't have known that Dean was going to get in an accident on the way over to see you.

3. Bargaining - You begin to ruminate about "what ifs..." and "if only's..." You may ask God things like "if only you let Dean live, I'll devote the rest of my life to helping others." You may imagine how things could have been better, as well as all the things that will never happen now.

4. Depression - You feel empty and very sad. You may feel self-pity, have sleeping or appetite problems, and feel completely unmotivated. Even though getting through depression is hard, it has benefits. It helps you slow down and take time to process the loss. It helps you begin the process of rebuilding a life without that person in it.

5. Acceptance - This is the final stage. You're not ok with the fact that your loved one is gone, but you learn to live with it.

The 7 Stages of Grief

This is the other model of grief I came across. It actually is just the Kübler-Ross model, with two extra stages of grief that have been sifted out.

1. Shock/Disbelief - This is just a part of the denial stage in the Kübler-Ross steps of grief. You are shocked and can't believe this loss has happened. You try and disregard the truth of the situation and refuse to accept it.

2. Denial - same as the Kübler-Ross model.

3. Bargaining - same as the Kübler-Ross model.

4. Guilt - This stage is part of the anger stage in the Kübler-Ross model and is exactly the same as that model.

5. Anger - same as the Kübler-Ross model, except guilt is not a part of it.

6. Depression - same as the Kübler-Ross model.

7. Acceptance - same as the Kübler-Ross model.

A Little More About the Grieving Process - Grief Triggers & The Emotional Roller Coaster

When you suffer a horrible loss, you may encounter what I like to call grief triggers. These are things that you encounter which remind you of your loss and bring on a wave of sadness. For instance, you may see a tennis racket that triggers a memory of how you and your best friend Dean had been playing tennis together ever since you were little kids. Or perhaps you're walking by a bakery one day and the smell of an apple pie reminds you of how your now dead grandmother used to bake one just like it every Thanksgiving. The sadness will vary in intensity and you may find yourself on an emotional roller coaster for a while as you move through your grief - bouncing around from denial to depression.

Figure 1 - The Emotional Roller Coaster of Grief

Grief Is An Individual Process

No model of grief can ever capture the individual's experience of loss. You're different from me, I'm different from you. But by having this knowledge, it can hopefully give you a framework with which to identify your feelings, and help you work through them.

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