Overcoming Shame

Why Overcoming Shame Is the Secret to Creating Real Intimacy If You're A Child Abuse Survivor

Imagine you're in a room that's keeps shrinking. As the walls get closer, you start to get more panicked. You feel a little suffocated. You start panicking. You just want to get out of this room and get a little air! Aargh!

I have a question for you. Do your relationships ever feel like this? You start feeling a bit smothered. At some point, getting close to someone starts to feel like the walls are closing in.

The reason your relationships feel this way is because of a psychological concept called shame.

Shame is a painful feeling about yourself as a person brought on by past child abuse. It can manifest in your life as feelings of loneliness and an inability to get close to others. If you've been abused and not had a chance to do some healing work, then the thought of getting close to others may be scary.

Now it may not be scary for you on a conscious level. For instance, you might not say to yourself "I am scared of getting close to others." But it will be reflected in your outward behavior. You may have trouble making friends or asking for dates. You may find it awkward to talk about yourself in more intimate social settings. You want to get close to others, but you find it hard and you feel lonely because of it.

That's perfectly normal for what you've gone through as a child abuse survivor.

If you've survived a dysfunctional family, you've likely experienced personal boundary invasions masked as "closeness". Perhaps it was inappropriate touching or sexually charged remarks. Or perhaps it was constant physical and emotional abuse.

To protect yourself, you naturally erected psychological defenses to prevent others from getting close to you. If they can't get close to you, then how can they hurt you? It was a way to keep your sanity in an insane situation.

Healthy parenting enables you to love yourself and get close to others.

Loving yourself and being able to relate healthily to others is the result of overcoming shame. A healthy relationship comes from being able to trust others. If you're reading this and your parents didn't provide a loving environment, then you know you have some work to do.

Fortunately, there is a solution to overcome shame. It starts by learning to trust again. All you have to do is work with a good therapist. By doing this work, you will start to build a sense of trust in yourself and others. Gradually, your patterns of relating to others will become much healthier.

Going to therapy works, you just have to give it time.

Are you already working with a therapist and still having trouble? That's perfectly ok. It takes time to heal from old psychological wounds, depending on their depth and severity. From my own personal experience, I know that just when you think you're done dealing with a trust issue, it can pop up again. Do any grief work you need to do, keep getting emotional support, and you will get better. The social world around you will start feeling safer.

Pretty soon, you'll be having more fun and intimacy won't be as much of a struggle. There will be challenges, but you'll be much better equipped to handle them. Overcoming shame is a matter of creating a sense of trust. It starts with being able to create a feeling of safety for yourself in the world. Then your relationships won't feel like the walls are closing in.

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