Overcoming Perfectionism - Is Your Commitment to Success Holding You Back From Achieving It?

Summary: Overcoming perfectionism means setting a whole new standard of excellence for yourself - namely, that it's ok to mess up. The good news is that when you give up impossible standards, you have more fun, and you'll be more successful in all the ways that matter.

Overcoming Perfectionism, by Adam Appleson

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

~Anna Quindlen

Do you consider yourself a winner?

Do you believe that "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing"?

Do you pride yourself on working hard long after others have left the field and quietly smile to yourself that you're better than they are? Do you pride yourself on always being the best - at work, at school, and on the field?

Well I have some news you're not going to like. You just may have a problem that is actually holding you back from achieving true victory and hindering your personal development.

You're saying to yourself "What do you mean? How can wanting to be the best be holding me back? What is the problem?"

Overcoming Perfectionism & The Flip Side of Winning

Let me ask you another question - how happy are you when you lose? Do you feel dejected, as if the other guy who won is somehow better than you? Do you silently berate yourself and vow that no one will ever do that to you again?

If you answered yes, then you'll want to keep reading if you want to achieve real victory.

What if I told you that you can be happy even when you lose? Not only that, what if I told you that being miserable when you lose can actually prevent you from improving your performance?

You're Suffering Needlessly

We live in a world where accomplishment is celebrated, and expected. We live under the mantra of "work hard, be the best". We hope that our valedictorians and star athletes in high school go on to become Nobel-prize winning scientists and Olympic champions.

Certainly, there's nothing wrong with high standards. After all, how would man ever have set foot on the moon without shooting for the stars? But there is a fine line between striving for excellence and setting standards for ourselves that only God can meet.

If you're absolutely miserable when you lose and you're constantly comparing yourself to others, not only are you making it harder for yourself to win, you're also suffering needlessly.

Let me say that again in big CAPITAL letters:

If you're constantly comparing yourself to others and are miserable when you lose, NOT ONLY ARE YOU MAKING IT HARDER FOR YOURSELF TO WIN, BUT YOU'RE SUFFERING NEEDLESSLY!

The Doctor Is In, And You Are Suffering From a Bad Case of....

Perfectionism. That's right, it sounds like you have a case of perfectionism. Still don't believe me? Well let's try a little self-diagnosis...

What Are The Signs of Perfectionism?

You may be suffering from an overdose of perfectionism if...

1. You constantly compare yourself to others. If you beat yourself up every time you don't come in first or do better than the other guy, you're suffering from a perfectionism overdose.
2. You feel like things are never good enough. As a result, you have trouble enjoying your accomplishments and focusing on what has gone right.
3. You feel your parents were overly critical of you growing up. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If you felt like your parents constantly set expectations you could never measure up to, chances are the little voice in your head telling you to get it right or do better is a perfection seeking beast that leaves you little time to enjoy what you do accomplish.

4. You have a high preoccupation with making mistakes. Look at the picture of the laptop computer screens on the right. Do you feel a slight sense of dread in just thinking about making an error? If you find yourself hesitant to start on challenging projects or even simple tasks because you're afraid you won't do them perfectly, this is a sign you're suffering from a bad case of perfectionism. A preoccupation with mistakes can also disguise itself as indecision. If you find yourself struggling to make decisions - be it something as major as what career to pursue or trying to figure out what to order - you may want to examine yourself to see if you have an underlying fear of "choosing the wrong thing."
5. You would rather be the best than do your best. This is a sign that your accomplishments define you. In other words, if you aren't able to meet your high standards, you feel like you're a failure on a personal level, as opposed to feeling like you just didn't get what you wanted.

Hold on a second...I've been succeeding so far...why should I worry about overcoming perfectionism?

Merriam Webster's online dictionary defines perfectionism as a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. I would add to that definition by labeling perfectionism as a self-defeating psychological state which prohibits you from enjoying your life and accomplishments because of unrealistic expectations that can never be met. It shames you into trying to be more than human.

The problem with perfectionism is that it often gets confused with excellence. Excellence is about setting high standards and doing your best to achieve them while still seeing yourself as a worthwhile person even when you don't meet them. Perfectionism is about being your achievements and forces you to feel like a failure as a person when you fail to achieve what you set out to do.

A good example of someone who represents excellence (as opposed to perfectionism) is Michael Phelps. At the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens, Michael attempted to match the world record set by American swimmer Mark Spitz of winning 7 gold medals in a single Olympics. Although his third place finish in the 200 meter freestyle race with Ian Thorpe and Pieter van den Hoogenband put a stop to this dream, Michael remarked "How can I be disappointed? I swam in a field with the two fastest freestylers of all time." That's an example of not letting your accomplishments define you, but rather of being able to try your best and still enjoy the accomplishment. By the way, in case you hadn't heard, Michael went on to win 8 gold medals in the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics.

3 Reasons To Begin Overcoming Perfectionism

Reason #1: Perfectionism keeps you from taking on challenges that help you learn and grow, the two things you need to do in order to be successful.

Trying to be perfect all the time keeps you from throwing yourself into new challenges and discovering who you are, because it keeps your focus on avoiding mistakes. It reduces your ability to be playful and to learn, because it takes your focus away from improving in the moment at hand. However, improving from mistakes is the key to learning.

If a world champion like Michael Phelps isn't disappointed by his mistakes, there's no need for you to be either.

Reason #2: A focus on perfection actually hinders your performance.

Rather than enabling you to focus on something positive and moving forward, perfectionism drags you down by keeping you focused on the thing you most want to avoid - mistakes. When you do this, the psychological studies indicate you aren't likely to perform as well. Overcoming perfectionism enables you to engage freely in non-critical performance. This makes you more likely to succeed. It's that simple.

Reason #3: Trying to be perfect all the time makes you unhappy.

Trying to be perfect all the time keeps you in a constant state of self-judgment, making you more prone to anxiety and depression. Overcoming perfectionism increases the level of joy in your life, which is a success in and of itself.

Overcoming Perfectionism Means Giving Yourself A Chance To Have Fun and Forget About "Doing It Right"

The core issue in perfectionism is that you feel you are incompetent or unworthy if you're not "doing it right." If you weren't allowed to make mistakes and be ok about it as a child, you missed an important part of growing up. Instead, you were given conditional love which tied your sense of self worth to how well you did.

So now it's time to learn the art of letting go. Overcoming perfectionism means you're about to let go of the need to feel ashamed when you screw up. It's time to start having fun. Think of yourself as an excited child ready to plunge in on a new adventure and learn something new.

Tips For Overcoming Perfectionism

1. Try an activity where you feel like you don't have to be perfect. Do you feel like you're enjoying it more? Enjoyment is what makes doing something worthwhile.
2. Now do something where you feel you must be perfect. How much enjoyment are you getting out of this activity?
3. Now screw it up. Now make a mistake in your perfectionistic activity (assuming this isn't a life-saving activity such as open-heart surgery - you don't want to mess that up!). Notice how you feel.
4. You are not your achievements. Question your beliefs. Now that you've made a mistake and noticed how it feels, it's time to argue with yourself. Get a sheet of paper and write down your beliefs about what defines success. Does success mean doing your best or being the best? See if you can notice some signs of perfectionism as mentioned previously in this article as you write your beliefs. Now write down what you learned from the mistake, the benefits of making it, and why you're still successful even though you screwed up.
5. Try to figure out where the critical voice is coming from. Think about why you feel you must be perfect at this activity. Where does it come from? You've already demonstrated to yourself nothing bad will happen when you make a mistake. Being able to understand where our harshest critic comes from can help us understand what triggers our tendency to hold ourselves accountable to impossible standards.
6. Get a support system in place. If you have a friend or two that would give you positive support in making the shift in letting go of being perfect, that's a great place to start. If not, consider getting help from a mental health professional.
7. Learn to handle criticism constructively. If you're a perfectionist, you probably cringe at the thought of being criticized. Now, you can't control how someone criticizes you. They may be constructive or downright nasty. What you can do is learn to remind yourself (and others) that mistakes are a part of the learning process. This helps you take it in stride and not take it so personally.
8. Focus on the benefits of overcoming perfectionism. If you want to make a positive change, it helps to be moving toward something (as opposed to away from something). What do you think are some drawbacks to your current perfectionism? Now, what are some benefits you see of overcoming perfectionism? How would you feel? What would your life look like? Think about some positive behaviors you could engage in that would show you're overcoming perfectionism.
9. For the next 30 days, focus on one perfectionistic area in your life you would like to change and begin changing it.

Utilize the above tips to help you. Think of overcoming perfectionism as a learning process and a chance to enjoy yourself. Don't get so hung up about the end result. Paradoxically, this will get you to your goal faster. Be patient with yourself. And most importantly, don't worry about being perfect about it.

 

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