Letting Go of Anger

Why Not Letting Go of Anger Can Hurt Your Career If You're a Child Abuse Survivor

Have you ever watched a horror movie where all of a sudden the monster jumps out and catches the victim by surprise? The victim felt perfectly safe, contentedly doing their thing, and then BAM, just like that the monster makes his move. And as you're watching, you get scared because you didn't even see it coming.

Well your anger can be like that sneaky monster if you're an abuse survivor, especially when it comes to your career.

To understand this, let's look at Drew's story. Now Drew is an architect who loves to design buildings. Even though he's only two months into his new job at Sinclair Design Corporation, his boss Stephanie can see Drew has the potential to do great work for the company. But Stephanie's boss, Paul, has a policy of giving all new employees an assignment to write a five page report on the history of Sinclair.

Drew loves design but hates writing. But he decides that maybe if he sucks it up for a while and turns in the assignment, he'll get a raise. So for the next three weeks, Drew does some design work but also works on writing the report. He finally turns it in to Stephanie who loves it. So does Paul. Drew is glad to get this monkey off his back and promptly asks for a raise. He feels he deserves one after doing so well on an assignment he absolutely hated. Stephanie, while surprised, calmly explains that company policy does not include giving raises after just two months on the job. Drew is furious. He knows he deserves that raise. When he doesn't get it, he quits his job.

Of course, this isn't the first time Drew has quit a job like this. This is his fourth job since he graduated college in the past two years. It's been hard to hold down steady employment because of his anger.

You see Drew has a problem with authority.

His parents were abusive. Drew knows that letting go of anger from his childhood is something he struggles with. He knows that because he spent his childhood unable to really explore the world around him, he often gets angry when asked to do something he really doesn't enjoy, even if it is for a new job where it's helpful to make a good first impression.

Now obviously rebelling against authority may not be a childhood issue you bring to your work, but can you think of any that are? Your old childhood anger that may be hindering your work performance. I'm guessing you don't want to struggle the way Drew is struggling, because let's face it, quitting job after job is not the way to advance your career in the long run. It looks bad in the eyes of any future employer.

So how do you go about letting go of anger so that it doesn't hinder your career as a child abuse survivor?

Acknowledging you're angry is what you first have to do to begin letting go of anger. Don't shove it down and say "all is forgiven" when you still feel mad. Recognize that you're angry. Do lots of free-writing where you write "I'm angry because..." and then just write whatever comes to mind. Vent to your therapist because it's important to have a supportive person to whom you can tell your story and get support. Share what's making you so angry. Studies of trauma victims have shown that this act of sharing your story in a safe space helps you heal.

Once you've acknowledged your anger, begin making a brand new life for yourself. The "old" you was abused, and abandoned, but as you heal, the "new" you will be strong and resilient. The best way to create this strength is to:

• Re-establish healthy relationships (and let go of the unhealthy ones). Enroll in therapy and cultivate a supportive network of friends and allies. Studies have shown that having a strong social network can be one of the best predictors of a long and healthy life.
• Set goals that will expand your life. Want to get in shape? Set a goal to lose 10 pounds. Want a job you love? Start reading career books and exploring what really makes you happy. When you start focusing on how you can move forward, it gets easier to make peace with the past.
• Cultivate hope. This follows from the above recommendation about goals. If you're hopeful about the future, it's a lot easier to take action in the present to make that dream a reality.

Letting go of anger isn't an overnight thing for abuse survivors typically. Rather it's a process. I've found that over the years as I've done the above, I've just gotten less angry as I implemented the above strategies. Letting go of anger was a gradual shift that happened.

Now, how do you cope at work in the meantime while you're still in the healing process?

Obviously, the coping strategies you implement will depend on your issues. But here are some strategies to try that will make your life more pleasant at work in general and help you in conquering anger on the job:

• Lower your expectations. Don't expect that your boss will give you work you're excited about all the time. You might have to grin and bear it for a while until you work up to a point where you can get tasks you like.
• Try to build up a support network at work. Studies have shown that people with a best friend at work are seven times more likely to be engaged with that work*.
• Make a list of all the things you don't like about your job and try to think of some ways you can change the situation. If you can't change it, decide if it's time to try something new.

But what if you still feel like you're stuck with your anger and unable to let go?

That's perfectly normal. If I had a dime for every time I felt frustrated along the journey, I'd be wealthier than Bill Gates of Microsoft fame. But as you take the above steps, you'll begin letting go of anger. New challenges will crop up, but you'll have built up the resilience to deal with them. You'll be running your life more effectively.

Of course, if you're an abuse survivor one of the extra challenges you face may be dealing with anxiety and depression. One of the tools I've found that's really helped me stay calm are meditation CD's. I've found that putting them on helps me stay relaxed. And while I haven't done a formal study, I feel like they've helped me be able to think more clearly. So you may want to try out a program like Holosync.

Yes, your leftover anger from childhood can be a sneaky monster.

But that doesn't mean that with enough time, patience, and by implementing the skills listed above that you can't slay the beast. You can. And then you can watch your career soar.

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