How To Control Anger

Why Understanding Your Childhood Issues Is Critical In Learning How To Control Anger If You're a Child Abuse Survivor

Have you ever seen a movie where the hero has a flashback that jolts them into a memory of their childhood? This memory might show you why the character made the choices they did or how they came to be the person they are in the movie. The point is, by watching this flashback onscreen, you have a new appreciation and understanding of the emotional issues that are a part of this character. This understanding makes you appreciate it all the more when the hero triumphs in the end.

 

But have you ever thought about how your childhood issues might be a part of you?

If you're a child abuse survivor in the midst of a recovery, chances are there are still some old issues rattling around in your brain that maybe you aren't even aware of. For instance, you may have trouble trusting authority figures. Or perhaps you don't like men with beards because they remind you of an abusive father. Whatever the case may be, these issues are a part of you, and they clearly are able to trigger emotional responses.

 

One classic emotional response is anger.

As a survivor, you may realize you need to do a better job at learning how to control anger, but you may not have realized that sometimes just understanding where it comes from can help. How? Let's take myself as an example. I have a general disdain for authority. I don't mean I want to start a revolution or anything like that :), but I do mean that I'm suspicious of situations where someone in a position of authority has the potential to abuse their power and cover it up with lies (e.g., remember the Catholic Church abuse scandal?). Yes, a part of it may be my personality (and hey, nobody wants to see anyone abuse their power), but if you've been abused, you're probably more sensitive to this kind of stuff.

And it can make you angry. So angry that perhaps you find yourself stewing for days over a lie your boss told (at your expense) to cover his backside or something a police officer who stopped you for speeding did when you felt he was wrong to do so.

 

But if you are aware of the connection between your issues and your anger, you'll be in a better place to respond.

For instance if you get mad whenever your boss engages in a particular behavior (for instance, you watch him lie to you or one of your co-workers), try to figure out why this is so. Is it because your parents used to lie to you all the time? Here are some techniques that can help you figure it out:

1. Talk it out with someone. If you can, call up a friend and talk things out with them.
2. Write "I'm angry because..." This one has always worked well for me. I try to free-write for 20 minutes or so. I start writing "I'm angry because..." and I list everything that comes to mind, uncensored. I feel quite relieved at the end, and I usually get some interesting insights.

 

Once you're aware of the connection, you can use these techniques to try and help rein in your anger so you don't fly off the handle.

1. Take a deep breath.
2. Vent to a friend or try free-writing "I'm angry because..."
3. Tell the person who made you angry. If you don't think you can talk about your anger in a constructive manner with the person who just made you mad, walk away. Later, when you've calmed down, tell the other person who made you angry what they did and how they can avoid it in the future, if it's appropriate. If they invaded your privacy, set some healthy boundaries. Sometimes, it may have been out of their control (e.g., your boss asked you to travel on a day when you told him you couldn't because you were going to visit a sick relative). So you have to decide whether you can compromise or if you should just walk away from the situation (e.g., leave your job). The point is to be assertive, not aggressive.
4. Try and change your mood by watching a funny movie or listening to music.
5. Try counseling. If your anger is particularly serious, you may want to consider anger management counseling.
6. Visualize what your ideal life would be like. What would make you feel happy? Turn it over and over again in your mind.
7. Meditation. In the long run, I've found that practicing meditation has helped me stay calm and not take everything so personally. It's enabled me to get outside of my own ego, and respond (rather than react) to stressful situations. It's helped me let go of anger much more quickly than I used to. If you've had trouble with traditional meditation, consider trying a program like the Holosync meditation program.

 

What happens if you still can't learn how to control anger?

You can. You have to realize that learning how to manage anger is just like learning to handle any other emotion. It is a skill that comes with practice. For instance, you might find it much easier not to laugh out loud at a speaker who falls down on stage. You learned how to do this from somewhere, right? It's the same thing with learning how to control anger. You just have to practice.

 

You can learn how to control anger.

It starts by being aware of it, and then applying the skills above to stay on top of it. Then you'll be like the main character in a movie - your issues are a part of you, but you can still triumph in the end.

 

Did that help?

Yes, but I would like to:

Learn Why Not Letting Go of Anger Can Hurt Your Career If You're a Child Abuse Survivor

Learn Why Avoiding a Crescendo Effect is the Key to Managing Anger In a Conflict With Your Mother If You're an Abuse Survivor

Learn What is anger and what are the effects of anger?

Learn Anger Myths Every Child Abuse Survivor Should Know

Assess How Angry I Am With This Anger Quiz

How Helium-Filled Balloons Can Help You With Anger and Depression If You're a Child Abuse Survivor

Learn How Ten-thousand Israelis Show Why Suppressed Anger Is Dangerous To Your Health

Why Understanding Your Childhood Issues Is Critical In Learning How To Control Anger If You're a Child Abuse Survivor

Learn How to Make More Friends After Surviving Abuse (e-book)

Learn Strategies for Dealing With Depression (e-book)

Learn How to Relax With Meditation (Audio Compact Disc)

 

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