Healing the Inner Child

Why Healing the Inner Child Feels Like Ridding Yourself of a 100-Hour Work Week If You're a Child Abuse Survivor

Imagine you have to work 3 jobs totaling 100 hours a week. It's very time-consuming, and you don't have time for yourself. No time to unwind, read a good book, sip a glass of wine, and just relax. Who would want to live a life where you couldn't have time to enjoy just being yourself?

But what if I told you that your current obligations might be forcing you to live like that? That your current fulfillment of other people's obligations were keeping your inner child enslaved and unable to heal.

Inner what? That sounds like it was invented in California...

The inner child is a concept psychologists use to describe who we are. It's the little boy or girl inside each and every one of us that is the core of our self-identity. It's the real part of who you are - whether you have suppressed it or not.

If you were abused, then your inner child was repressed, hurt, neglected, and wounded to the point where you've lost your connection with him or her. Let's look at this from another angle. Have you ever met someone who is happy and makes you feel good? Maybe it's the neighbor across the street or a friend you know. They always seem to be excited and alive. That's someone who is in touch with their inner child. They grew up, but the connection to their little child inside themselves was kept alive by being nurtured and loved unconditionally.

And they kept that connection alive because they were allowed to express it and be themselves.

As children, their parents loved them and they were allowed to play and explore the world around them. They discovered they loved soccer or music. If they got hurt, their parents helped them figure out why and supported them. They were allowed to cry, laugh, and fully express themselves.

In contrast, as an abused child, you probably never had a chance to truly explore the world as yourself. Your parents may have filled you with messages of shame such as "good girls always smile" or "I need you to be...[you fill in the blank]." Because all children want to be loved by their parents, you tried to please them by fulfilling their artificial obligations.

But trying to fulfill the artificial expectations of someone else all the time is like working 100 hours a week without taking time for yourself.

Because no matter how much we push our inner child to be something else, it always wants to express itself. When you disconnect from your inner child, it's hard to feel alive and be joyful. It's hard to be naturally cheerful because you're not living from who you are.

You're working so hard to fulfill others' artificial expectations, you have no time to be yourself. You may keep busy, but there's always a feeling of emptiness or a certain nagging that things could be different. You'll see this in varying degrees - people who are investment bankers even though they truly love to paint. They may not be abused, but they are stuffing down a part of their inner child.

How do you give up these obligations and begin healing the inner child?

That's easy. You have to consciously practice healing your inner child. You can start by setting healthy boundaries with your abusive parents. Give yourself permission to begin exploring the things you always have wanted to explore. Play the trumpet, join a soccer club, or whatever appeals to you.

Yes, you may run into resistance from others. They may tell you that "you're crazy," or "you need to live up to your responsibilities." But living responsibly doesn't mean you have to give up your right to explore the parts of you that need exploring. It doesn't mean you have to live up to others' expectations. Now if you're taking care of young children, you may not be able to run off and become a professional soccer player, but that doesn't mean you can't join a soccer club one night a week as a part of your inner child healing work.

But the biggest obstacle you may have to face in healing the inner child is yourself.

You see, as you begin to explore, you may hear a little voice inside your head say something like "We gave up so much for you to be a doctor (or whatever it is your parents wanted you to be. How can you throw it all away?" Or you might hear it say "that's silly, you're a grown adult, you shouldn't be doing that."

But those are the times you're going to have to stand strong if you want to begin healing the inner child. You're going to have to tune in to your own inner voice and let it guide you, no matter how silly, or if it goes against "how you were raised."

Because healing from child abuse is tough, you should consider getting a therapist.

A good therapist will provide the safe and supportive environment you never had. You begin talking through the unresolved issues that prevented you from healing the inner child and you begin to feel validated. This is what truly makes the healing process work. Then as you begin doing your inner child work, you can get feedback and adjust your actions as necessary.

When you finally begin healing the inner child, you'll find yourself feeling a little bit lighter. Life won't feel like you're working 100 hours a week with no time for yourself.

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