Forgiving Yourself

Why Giving Up the "Should Be" Factor Helps You In Forgiving Yourself

The race ends. By one fingertip, Michael Phelps has just won another gold medal in swimming at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Perhaps you know someone like Michael. You admire their ability. What they've been able to accomplish with their lives so far. They seem to have it all.

But more than that it makes you think about how you grew up. About the abuse you endured as a child. And how you don't have it all. I'm going to make the case that you should stop blaming yourself for the abuse. It wasn't your fault.

But how do you know if you still blame yourself for what happened?

Your current thoughts and feelings about your own situation is a good indicator. For instance, if you find yourself feeling bad because you aren't as good at swimming as your friend Michael who has been doing it for years, that's a good indicator.

But why do you feel this way?

Feeling bad about something beyond your control (not being able to play swim as well as your friend) is a good indicator that you're beating yourself up for "not being good enough". These feelings are a good indicator that you haven't forgiven yourself.

And that's because you're feeling the "should be" factor

The "should be" factor is a way of judging yourself harshly, of telling yourself you "should be" able to do something better, even though there's no need to do this.

How do you start giving up the "should be" factor so you can begin forgiving yourself?

The "should be" factor holds you down in the past. It's like you're blaming yourself for growing up in an abusive and unsupportive environment. Environments like that aren't conducive to learning, growing, and becoming good at hobbies like swimming. To tell yourself you "should be" as good as so-and-so, is really a clever way of holding yourself up to unrealistic expectations. This leads to self-blame and self-loathing. It's why you need to start forgiving yourself.

#1: You start forgiving yourself by focusing on what you can do in the present.

Forget about what you can't do. Focus on what you can start doing. So if you want to be a better swimmer, then you can start swimming more laps. You can try joining a local swim club.

#2: You recognize when you're having unrealistic expectations

If you haven't had the chance to try something the way someone you know has, of course they're going to be better at it then you. To think otherwise would be an unrealistic expectation. Learning to give these up can help get rid of a lot of frustration and self-blame.

Yes, you may still have those thoughts that say "should be"

But everyone has doubts, even the most well-loved children. You might feel like you're struggling more because you don't have as good of a support system. That's why it's so important to have a supportive therapist. They can help you sort through some of these thoughts and put you in a positive place where you can start accepting yourself.

To show you how this works, let me tell you a bit about my story

I used to be envious of the fact that my friend seemed to do many things well. Not only was he great at academics, but he played a musical instrument incredibly well. To top that off, he didn't seem to struggle in socializing the way I did.

Eventually I realized it was silly to expect myself to play a musical instrument as well or be as good at socializing with strangers as he was because I simply didn't have the loving home and broad range of experiences he did (notice I gave up unrealistic expectations).

Working with a therapist, I also set more goals to get better at things - like being able to complete a 10 mile distance run and working out at the gym.

And I began to focus on the great results I was producing in my life

And the thoughts in my head that said "should be" started to turn into thoughts and actions that led me to believe I could do things well too. And the harsh judgments I used to have for myself started going away. I was forgiving myself naturally.

You may not have had the supportive environment Michael Phelps had to nurture a swimming gift

But you can learn to nurture yourself now. It starts by forgiving yourself. It starts by leaving the "should be" thoughts behind through positive action and the letting go of unrealistic expectations. If you do this, it'll feel even better than winning a gold medal. Count on it.

 

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