Feelings of Shame

The Hidden Connection Between Your Belief About Your Happiness and Feelings of Shame

"Aarf. Aarf". There's that bark of excitement as you enter your driveway. Your black Labrador Retriever Sammy runs up to you excitedly and wags his tail. He is happy and excited. As a matter of fact, you'd have to think really hard to remember time when Sammy didn't seem happy and excited.

Now I want you to stretch your imagination a little. Try to put yourself inside Sammy's head.

Do you think Sammy "believes" he deserves to be happy? Do you think Sammy believes he doesn't deserve happiness? The way he wags his tail, every time he sees you, you would logically conclude he KNOWS he deserves to be happy. No wonder he ACTS so happy all the time.

But what about you? You may want happiness, but do you believe you're entitled to it? I mean deep down. Way deep down inside. You might be saying to yourself, "of course I believe I'm entitled to happiness." But does how does that translate for you in terms of actions and feelings?

Well, here's a quick self-test for you.

Have you ever thought or felt the following on a regular basis?

• I feel so empty.
• I feel alone.
• I am an awful person.
• I'm hopeless. It's hopeless.
• I don't deserve...(to be happy, to be loved, etc.)

Do you catch yourself doing the following?

• Staying in a relationship that you know isn't right for you but you're scared to be alone.
• Putting up with physical, emotional, or sexual abuse from significant others?
• Putting up with jerk-like behavior from a boss, co-workers, neighbors, etc.?
• Put other people's needs ahead of your own to such an extent that you can't meet yours and are resentful?

Feeling bad about yourself as a person is called shame. The thoughts and actions listed above are signs that you may possess feelings of shame and a low sense of self-worth.

The above kinds of thoughts and actions show you're having a hard time believing you deserve to be happy.

If you believed you deserved to be happy, you would never put up with abuse. You would honor your own needs in a healthy and considerate way. You wouldn't think of yourself as an awful person. You wouldn't have feelings of shame and depression. You would think of yourself as someone who deserves joy and fun in their life.

And your actions would flow from this belief.

If you were Sammy, you'd be wagging your tail. You'd be barking happily at your friends and neighbors. You would feel good to be alive. So if you have feelings of shame and don't believe you're entitled to be happy, the first step is to grieve and work with a therapist. Believe that you deserve to be happy.

If you're having hard time taking new actions in the direction of the belief you're trying to create, then fake it for a little bit and pretend you're Sammy for a while. You just have to do it enough so that you start taking different actions that lead to happiness. Let go of bad relationships. Learn how to deal with grief. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. After a while, you won't have to pretend anymore. And you can wave good-bye to those feelings of shame.

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