Family Shame

How the Carpe Diem Factor Helps You Let Go of Family Shame and Find Happiness

In the movie Dead Poet's Society, Robin Williams plays an English teacher at an all-boys school called the Welton Academy in Vermont. He tries to show his students the value of thinking for yourself through the lessons he teaches in his poetry class. There is one student, Neil, who has spent his entire life preparing for a career in medicine at his father's direction. During the movie, Neal tries out for a school play - Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream - and discovers he wants to be an actor for the rest of his life.

But Neil's father, Mr. Perry, has no regard for Neil's feelings. In a memorable scene from the movie, he tells Neil that he won't let Neil waste the "opportunities" he's been given. Neil protests and tries to tell his parents how he feels, but they are completely attached to their vision of what Neil's life should look like. Neil's father orders him to withdraw from the play. Naturally, Neil does the exact opposite and gives a fantastic performance as the Shakespearean character Puck. Neil's father then tells Neil he's going to pull him out of the Welton Academy and enroll him in Braden Military School in preparation for a career in medicine.

Neil clearly comes from a controlling family.

Shame, in the context of individuals, is a painful feeling about oneself which has already been discussed elsewhere on this site. In the case of Neil's family, his family's shame comes from controlling rules designed to make the family appear perfect while ignoring the impact it has on Neil's sense of self worth and how he wants to live out his own life. In Neil's case, the controlling rule is the idea that he must be a doctor to live out his parent's vision of success.

I won't spoil the ending for you about what Neil decides to do, but instead I'll ask you a simple question. What controlling messages of family shame do you carry with you? Is it that you have to be a doctor like Neil? Were you told that good girls always smile no matter what, even when someone close to you passes away? Think of some messages of family shame that keep you boxed in.

How To Know If Your Life Was Affected By Family Shame

No family is perfect. Kids don't always get to do what they want. They might have to take out the garbage, mow the lawns, or do other household chores to help the family. Out of economic necessity they may even have to have an outside job to support the family. This isn't a sign of family shame.

What is a sign of controlling family shame is when a child is told they have to act a certain way or be a certain person when there is no ethical reason to do so. For instance, if your father insisted you become a star football player when your heart was set on mastering karate, that would be a good example of shame-inducing behavior. There's no good reason you have to be a football player if you don't want to. Deciding whether your life was affected by family shame is a little bit like discerning whether something is pornography, with a little common sense, you'll know it when you see it.

Doing What You're Told Perpetuates the Cycle of Family Shame

Kids need to explore the world around them and have safe and supportive parents in the background for optimal development. The family shame problem isn't kids following directions or listening to parental directives. The problem occurs when parental directives are such that the kid is not allowed to develop into anything other than what the parents want and total obedience is expected.

This sets the ground for low-self esteem and an inability to be honest with yourself about your own thoughts and feelings. That's why you may find yourself unhappy with an occupation your parents chose from you - you never had the chance to explore anything else and decide for yourself! If your parents insisted that good girls are always cheerful, you might find yourself trying to stay upbeat all the time, even when a tragic situation warrants a few tears. The childhood messages we receive can stay with us for a long time. They can make you live your life as if doing what you're told and playing the role assigned to you by your parents is the only way to live.

But there's another way to live. It's referred to as carpe diem.

There's a famous phrase uttered by Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society called carpe diem. It's Latin for "seize the day." That's what you need to do in order to start overcoming shame.

• Explore new hobbies that you were afraid to try before.
• Set realistic goals for yourself, goals that have nothing to do with pleasing your parents.
• Stop worrying about what other people think about you. It's your day. Seize it.
• Set healthy boundaries with your parents.
• Get a therapist if you need the support in breaking through your issues.

Start thinking for yourself. Break a few rules. Stop doing what you're told. You don't always have to be "good." It's the key to enjoying life and leaving the past behind.

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