Effects of Low Self-Esteem

How the Effects of Low Self-Esteem Can Cause You to Drown If You're a Child Abuse Survivor

Imagine a huge wave has just knocked you overboard from a luxury cruise liner into the ocean 500 miles away from shore. Would you:

A: Wave your arms frantically and try to get someone on the ship to help you by throwing you a line?

B: Start swimming to shore and see if you can make it.

We already know which option you'd choose. I know, because most everyone I talk to would choose A, unless they wanted to drown.

But what if I told you that if you're a child abuse survivor, you might be choosing option B on a daily basis?

How can this be? To understand this, you have to understand low self-esteem. Low-self esteem is when you don't feel confident about yourself. If you were abused as a child, you were given terrible messages such as "you're worthless", "can't be trusted", and "aren't a good girl or boy." The repetition of these messages over and over again causes you to "internalize" these messages. You then believe these things about yourself, which contributes to low self-esteem.

These messages can make you feel like a failure.

All human beings want to feel good about themselves. But one of the effects of low self-esteem is that it can make you feel worthless or like a failure. No one wants to feel like an unlovable failure. So in an effort to feel good about yourself, you may find you're afraid to admit you made a mistake. You may find you need to always be "perfect" or in "control." Even though it's impossible to do such things, this need to feel good about yourself and be loved wins out. It can drive you to do everything you can to avoid looking like a failure.

So instead you may try to be a superhero.

You might tell your neighbor "I don't need help installing the fireplace" when in fact you know nothing about installing a fireplace. You may tell others "you can find the store on your own" when you have no idea where it is located and it would be a whole lot quicker if you just asked for directions.

You may believe that only weak people ask for help. But just because you need help, doesn't mean you're not strong. It means you're human.

Of course, you may be wondering how to tell if you're afraid of asking for help because you don't want to look foolish.

You have to start becoming more self-aware. Think about times when you wanted to ask for help because you knew you needed it but didn't. Ask yourself, "why didn't I?" For instance, when I was a kid, there were times my mother used to hit me when I would ask for help with my homework. Today I know that sometimes that makes me afraid to ask for help, even when I could definitely use it. I still have a tendency to want to do things myself, even when it would be quicker/cheaper/easier to ask or hire someone else to do it for me. But since I've become more aware, I find it easier to ask for help when I know I really need it. It took me a while, but this is one of the effects of low self-esteem I had to overcome.

So what are your trigger situations? Think of a time you've been afraid to ask for help and think about why that might be. Write it down. Don't censor your thoughts. Write whatever comes to your mind. This is a great tool for helping yourself become more self-aware. As you become more aware, you'll find it easier to understand what situations cause you to become afraid to ask for help. Once you understand why, it's a lot easier to begin to take a chance and ask for help.

The first time you ask for help in one of your trigger situations, it can be scary. But once you get through that first time, it becomes easier and easier. Yes, people may refuse to help for whatever reason. But there will be times when they do make your life easier by helping you. So it's worth taking the chance to ask. By going out of your comfort zone like this, you're actually building your self-esteem.

Fortunately, overcoming the effects of low self-esteem isn't something you have to do on your own.

I suggest finding a good therapist, especially if you've been abused. A therapist will help you develop the skills you need to begin improving your self-esteem. He or she will help you explore the issues that are the causes of your low self-esteem, and help you resolve them. As you do this in a safe and supportive setting, you'll find it easier to let go of the old thinking and behavioral patterns that make you feel like a failure.

When you do, you'll finally be secure enough to frantically wave your arms and tell people, "help, I'm drowning." That's when you'll have rid yourself of one of the effects of low self-esteem. And that will make your life a whole lot easier.

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