Interview with Beth Fehlbaum - Author of Courage In Patience

Beth Fehlbaum

Note: Some elements of the plot are revealed, so if you don't want to know in advance, please read the book first! It's not only engaging, but offers great lessons and encouragement for abuse survivors. The book is available here at Amazon.com.

1. Hi Beth, thank you for joining us today. Please tell us a little bit about yourself and your book, Courage In Patience. What is your background and what prompted you to write the book?

Hi, Adam.

Thanks for inviting me here-- and for your kind words about Courage in Patience. Let's see; I'm a writer and a teacher, and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I wrote Courage in Patience mostly for myself, to see if I could revisit dark places as an observer of someone else's experience. I think it felt safer to me to do that. Initially, I was writing a lot of short stories and poetry and sharing them with my (awesome, amazing, experienced, skilled---) therapist, who saved my life with the guidance he has given me to get through the very tough journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse.

One day, he suggested that I try writing a novel. It took me about four months of stopping-and-starting, always ending up stuck inside my own fear, grief, and anger at the people who allowed me to be victimized, and who perpetrated the acts of violence. One day, it hit me: I'd try writing the story of a teenage girl who had been abused by her stepfather and betrayed by her mother. She'd be reunited with a father she'd never known, and he'd have to overcome his own shame at being a lousy dad in order to help his daughter begin to heal from her past. From there, the story took on a life of its own.

2. The book is being marketed for young adults and abuse survivors. Was this the particular readership you had in mind as you were putting it together?

No, I actually did not consider having it published until I finished it and realized that I had woven a story of survival, hope, and forgiveness-- NOT an abuse story. While the protagonist is a teenager, so it makes sense for it to be marketed to the YA audience, I have heard from people across the age-spectrum. And, it was my first publisher's idea to add the tagline, "a story of hope for those who have endured abuse." Courage in Patience does resonate with many abuse survivors, but people from all backgrounds relate to the story. As you know from reading the book, the kids in Ashley's summer school English class face challenges that are common across the spectrum of human experience: racism, hypocrisy, fear, intolerance, censorship, etc. My agent is now shopping Courage in Patience as a YA novel. I have regained all rights to Courage in Patience, and my agent is shopping it and its sequel, the as-yet-unpublished Hope in Patience, to publishing houses. I am just in the beginning stages of writing the third and final installment in The Patience Trilogy.

3. In your book, Ashley confides about the sexual abuse she's experiencing in her favorite teacher, Mrs. Chapman, and this starts her on the road to recovery. In your experience in working with abuse survivors, what is the best thing a teacher can do for the student who confides in them about abuse?

Well, legally, of course, any disclosure of abuse must be reported to the authorities. In the past, when students have trusted me enough to confide in me about abuse, I have made clear to them that I was with them for the long haul-- and that what happened to them was not their fault. I have kept in contact with former students-- and I continue to do that, to maintain relationships with kids I've taught. A huge part of teaching is nurturing a relationship with students so that they feel safe and supported, and learning takes place naturally in that environment. It's also important, I think, for teachers to recognize that roughly a quarter of the kids in any classroom either have experienced abuse of some kind or will experience it at some point. We need to remember that some kids are dealing with a lot more than homework when they get home, and be sensitive to that reality when piling academic expectations on them. Yes, grades and promotion are important-- but physiological needs precede all else. It's impossible to focus on math, for example, if you've slept in a closet the night before to avoid the molester across the hall.

4. In the story, Ashley is "book smart" as she calls it (p. 39). She seems to do well academically in spite of being abused. In the current American school system, a student who performs well academically and doesn't make trouble but is quietly suffering from abuse would likely slip through the cracks in the system. How can teachers help a student who they suspect is being abused but is really not causing any trouble or getting bad grades?

What I have done as a teacher is make a mental note of behaviors I'm seeing that tell me a child may be being abused, and maybe mention it to the child's other teachers to see if they have observed the same thing I'm seeing. I usually talk to the counselor to let her know what I'm seeing, so she can call the child in to see if everything's okay at home. In other words, I tread very softly while working at developing a relationship of trust with the student. It took one little girl I suspected was being abused about three months to trust me enough to talk to me about it-- about the man who was living in her home with their family, and what he was doing to her. At that point, I assured her of my support, and she and I went to the counselor together to report what was going on. I was with the student when she told her parents about it, too, and I was relieved when the abuse stopped because the parents kicked the guy out of their house.

5. What kinds of differences have you noticed in the classroom (and outside) between students who are being abused (or that you suspect are being abused) versus those who aren't?

I am very attuned to physical clues that kids give off; for example, clothing: a girl who wears layers and layers of clothing, no matter the temperature or weather; a young girl who dresses "older" or provocatively. Body language: a child who shrinks from a shoulder pat or sideways hug from a teacher, or who carries her body in a way that hides her physical development. Mood swings-- especially a kid who, after a holiday break or even a weekend, comes back to school in a particularly foul or weepy mood. I think I am especially sensitive to these sorts of changes, because I behaved these ways myself as a child and, in many ways, as an adult, pre-recovery. I'm not one of those teachers who gets angry at a child for misbehaving; I'm more likely to try to figure out the reason behind the misbehavior and see if I can help the child find relief from what it is that's making them so angry or afraid. Kids who are being abused give off a vibe that I pick up on. I don't usually perceive it from kids who are just having an "off" day.

6. There are several points in the story when Ashley feels like she is not in her body, and she experiences a Whoosh inside her head. When I first read it, I found myself thinking that was the perfect way to represent an out of body experience for a sexual abuse survivor. How did you decide on using the Whoosh to represent Ashley's out of body sensation?

It was the best way I could express what it is like to disassociate. "Whoosh" represents, to me, the literal emptiness that overtook my head and awareness when I was being abused. It's like white noise.

7. One of the things that can happen when confronting or confiding in other family members about abuse is that it doesn't always have a happy ending. Your book does a nice job of illustrating this. Near the beginning of the book when Ashley confides in her mother about the abuse she's enduring at Charlie's hands, her mother refuses to believe her. It's very heartbreaking. What would you advise someone who experiences this to do?

Find a competent therapist, surround yourself with people who do love you and support you, and know that it's a very bumpy road you're embarking on-- the road to recovery. It's like a walk through Hell, barefoot, and back again. Obviously, it's hard to heal from having your innocence stolen. It's a thousand times harder when the person who should have loved you most and protected you with her life refuses to be who you needed her to be. The most helpful thing, I have found, is staying aware of what one DOES have, not what one DOES NOT have. Other than that, I can't speak as one who has finished with that part of recovery, because I haven't. I'd love to say I have-- but I can't.

8. One of the interesting ideas you illustrate in the book are how abusers and their co-conspirators can sometimes try and use religion as a way to cover up abuse. For instance, on p. 204, in reference to the sexual abuse perpetrated by Ashley's step dad Charlie, Cheryl (Ashley's mom), says "It's in the past, Ashley Nicole...You need to get over it and move on...Stop rehashing it." What's your advice to those who have been abused and are struggling with the religious concept of forgiveness? Does forgiveness mean you have to re-establish a relationship with the abuser?

Ah, another one I'm still working on…I do NOT think that forgiveness means reestablishing a relationship with the abuser or those who conspired with them. The closest thing I've come to understanding forgiveness in this situation is the realization that the people who mess up other people's lives through abuse did not, most likely, set out to do that. It's not like they woke up one day and said, "Hmm, I wonder how despicably I can act out today?" Other than that, I do not embrace the belief that, for example, one will only reach Heaven if one unconditionally forgives the person or people who stole her innocence, and, furthermore, I have a hard time picturing the Being I picture as Jesus, refusing entrance to His Kingdom if one has not forgiven one's rapist. That's F'd up thinking, IMO. I would think that those who use religion as a weapon of oppression and control would more likely be turned away from Heaven, assuming that sort of place actually exists.

9. One thing I have to compliment you on is that the characters in your book are so real and so three-dimensional. How did you go about creating some of the main characters in the book? Are any of the characters autobiographical in nature?

Thanks, Adam! It is said that all first-time authors write what is essentially an autobiography. But this is not my autobiography. I drew on my experiences as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to create Ashley's character, and I pulled in my teacher-self to craft the character of Ashley's stepmom, Beverly. David, Ashley's father, is somewhat modeled after my husband, in terms of his physical description and occupation; although my husband has never been a hard-drinker, as David was before he gave it up. Other than that, the characters are either composites of people I've known, or figments of my imagination.

10. Do you have any parting words of wisdom you would like to give to sexual abuse survivors or abuse survivors in general?

Surround yourself with people who love you, are educated about what you're going through, and, please, find a competent, skilled therapist. Recovery from sexual abuse is too intense to go through on your own or with just self-help books. It's common to feel suicidal at some points-- don't give into those feelings, because they will pass, and you will again feel strong. You are stronger than you ever thought you could be. Think about what you've already endured; the fact that you are still walking the Earth is a testament to your potential for survival. And-- you are not alone. Don't ever forget that.

11. Are there any upcoming books you would like readers to know about?

The sequel to Courage in Patience, Hope in Patience, is complete and both are being shopped by my agent. Hopefully, both books will land a publisher soon. Courage in Patience was originally released on 09/01/2008, but is now officially out-of-print since I had my rights reverted and the publisher, Kunati, Inc., went out of business. Used and new copies of Courage in Patience are available from private sellers on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online resources. You can Google Courage in Patience to find copies for sale.

Also, I have two websites: http://www.bethfehlbaumya.com and http://courageinpatience.blogspot.com

I love to hear from readers! E-mail me! beth@bethfehlbaum.com

Thanks, Adam! I enjoyed visiting with you!

Powerful stuff isn't it? I've read Courage in Patience myself and can honestly say not only is it a great book that offers lessons in healing for abuse survivors, but it is also a great read as well. I finished half the book in one afternoon because I couldn't put it down.

ZenTactics extends a sincere thank you to Beth Fehlbaum for writing this book and sharing her time and expertise with us. Please visit Beth's website and show your support for this author's work by buying a copy from any of the private sellers on Amazon (see below), Barnes & Noble, and other online outlets.

Click here to read a book review of Courage in Patience.

~Adam Appleson

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