Building Self-Confidence

Why Dealing With Co-workers Who Insult You at Work Can Help You In Building Self-Confidence If You're an Abuse Survivor

Here's a story. Two 11-year old boys (let's call them Marvin and Jim) out on the playground were constantly being bullied by a bigger, meaner 13-year old boy (let's call him Billy). Now Marvin and Jim were perfectly nice boys who were told never to physically hit or pick on anyone. But enough was enough for Jim After weeks of bullying, eventually, Jim started to fight back. He would never win of course, but he always made sure to give Bill a black-eye during one of Billy's "bullying sessions." Marvin did nothing. Eventually Billy left Jim alone but still kept picking on poor Marvin.

Do you have insulting co-workers (a.k.a. bullies) that make you feel like a Marvin at work?

Then it's time to learn how to take your confidence back. Self-confidence is a positive belief in yourself that you can succeed. Insulting co-workers can wreak havoc on your self-confidence. Now because a physical assault at work would cost a co-worker their job, they'll often engage in other nasty behaviors such as insulting you. An insult is a personal swipe done to you in public or private designed to make you look bad.

I know, you're such a nice person, why would anyone want to insult you?

Co-worker bullies may be motivated by economic reasons. They want to get ahead, and they don't care how many bodies they leave behind. Sometimes they may just be emotionally immature and don't know another way to conduct themselves. They may also feel threatened by others easily because they have their own self-esteem issues.

For abuse survivors, this kind of scenario can really make you feel bad because it's a familiar pattern.

The constant insults, the lack of support...hmm...probably reminds you of your childhood doesn't it? I think abuse survivors can be particularly vulnerable to bullies at work because we're used to putting up with being treated like garbage and oftentimes are learning how to stop putting up with it. It can really eat up your hard-won confidence. That's why it's critical for you to learn how to deal with insulting behaviors from bullies.

The Reasons Why Dealing With Bullies at Work Helps You In Building Self-Confidence

1. By dealing with it, you are cultivating a habit of not putting up with jerks in your life. This helps you break out of old, abusive patterns and boost your confidence.
2. By dealing with the insulting co-workers, you are standing up for yourself, which is one of the key ways you can help yourself in building self-confidence.
3. By dealing with it, you are showing the co-worker bullies that you will not put up with that behavior. This will help preserve your peace of mind, as well as ensuring you don't let anyone erode your confidence levels.

Tips for Dealing With Insulting Co-Workers and Building Self-Confidence

1. Walk away. If someone starts demeaning you, just get up and walk away. You can say "excuse me, I have to use the restroom."
2. Learn to ask why. To make this work, you have to be listening to his responses (ugh, I know, that's why #1 is walk away). For example, if they tell you you're incompetent, you can ask "why do you think I'm incompetent?" They may respond with threats, half-truths, or more insults. Don't bother defending yourself. Instead you can ask another "why" or make a simple statement that demonstrates your confusion such as "I'm not sure I understand the direction you're going."
3. Try to resolve the issue. Ask your co-worker if they would like to figure out a way to resolve the situation. You may need to ask more questions to get some details (especially if they start using generalizations, a common tactic among co-worker bullies). Once you both appear to be in agreement, state what you are going to do. Try and obtain your co-worker's agreement on specific actions that you will both engage in as a result of your discussion. For instance, you can say "So you will finish the report, and I will bring it over to human resources?"
4. Don't become insulting yourself. Studies have shown that even the nicest person can become more aggressive and mean when exposed to that type of environment for too long. So do your darned best to stay nice. Catherine Pratt of Life-With-Confidence suggests avoiding gossiping at work, as that can erode your confidence.
5. Report the behavior to upper management. Bullying results in lost productivity and costs your company money. It's in your boss's best interest to nip this kind of behavior in the bud. But nobody will do anything if you don't.

If this has been a consistent pattern, don't forget to start documenting the behavior.

No one should have to put up with this kind of behavior. But in order to get the insulting co-worker to reform, you need to start documenting their behavior. Make a log with time, date, and record of the insulting behavior. It enables you to make a much stronger case to human resources or your manager.

What if your manager refuses to do anything or you fear reprisal for outing the bully?

Let's face it. The bully may be a favorite of the manager or they may be seen as untouchable for whatever reason. If you can't get them reformed (or fired), you have some options:

1. Update your resumé so you can leave and find another job.
2. Rotate to another department in your company.
3. Reframe. Psychologists have discovered that if you can't escape a source of stress, reframing, or changing your mind-set about what you're experiencing can help reduce the stress. Some useful ways to practice reframing are avoiding self-blame, hoping for the best but planning for the worst, and becoming emotionally indifferent to the situation.

Real-life case study: Here's how I went about increasing self-confidence and dealing with a bully at work

I once had the pleasure of working with a co-worker who seemed to take particular pleasure out of demeaning me for no reason. I finally lost my patience and reported the behavior to upper management. They said they would "talk" to the bully.

Unfortunately, while there was a slight adjustment, eventually the bully started going back to their old ways. I realized that this person had a bit of a mental disorder or some kind of emotional maladjustment, so I started developing indifference (reframing) to their remarks. I also tried using my imagination. I would imagine myself floating down a river and whenever I found myself being insulted, I imagined pushing myself off a boulder in the river with my two feet, relaxing in the water. It definitely helped me preserve my self-esteem and it added to my arsenal of coping strategies. I realized that their behavior wasn't my fault, and I made up my mind to find another job (which I did).

Now even though I couldn't get the bully to reform, I still increased my confidence because I confronted the situation head-on. Prior to this, I have to admit, as a new employee not wanting to make waves, it was something I dreaded doing. But I'm glad I did it because it helped me in building self-confidence. In my current situation, I now know I have solid coping strategies and the skills to deal with insulting co-workers.

Building self-confidence at work means you should become a Jim, not a Marvin.

It starts by standing up for yourself. If you can't get the bully to back down, then you have to leave to go to a place where you will be treated with dignity and respect. As an adult, you can't physically give a bully like Billy a black-eye, but that doesn't mean you don't have other ways to stand up for yourself. Try it. It will help you in building self-confidence.

Summary

• There's no logical reason to explain why co-workers insult you without cause.
• By dealing with insulting co-workers, you help yourself in building self-confidence and breaking old abusive patterns.
• You can deal with insults by walking away, learning to ask why, trying to resolve the issue to hold the insulting co-worker accountable, and reporting the behavior.
• If your company refuses to do anything about the bad behavior, you should update your resumé and find another job, rotate to another part of your company, and/or learn the art of psychological reframing.

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